Pathetically pathetic

I don't expect anyone to read this blog, since most people I know don't know I am on here anymore. Therefore, I will talk mad shit about my boss. I am pacing back and forth behind my bar, trying to conjure up some enthusiasm for the lame evening ahead of me, when the bar phone rings. It is my boss (the owner) , calling in to see if there is any action at the place. Now, his definition of "action" is different from the literal meaning of the word. He isn't asking if we have a lot of customers, or selling a lot of beer. He is asking if there is a snowball's chance in hell he could get laid tonight.

If he ever asked me that question straight out, I would respect him a little more, just for being honest about being desperate.

He just feels the need to use slang, because he thinks its "hip" and somehow makes him appear to have plenty of prospects. I know for a fact that there is at least one chick in the bar that he would love to "hit it" with. She just happens to love free drinks. I still tell him there's nothing going on tonight, in our sort of bantering-code-talk. I don't want him hanging out all evening with me, and I am not going to encourage a situation which I KNOW she will regret, though it might make Frank's month.

So every 20 minutes (I shit you not) he calls with the same query about the pussy in the bar tonight. I always tell him that all the girls in the place are with guys. It is almost always a lie, but I just think all parties are better off. I tell Frank it's a sausage-fest, and we hang up. Twenty minutes of reprieve, and then again, it's time for a new lie.

So Frank ends up coming in around 1 am and I grind my teeth and hope he doesn't figure out that this chick has been here the whole time. He just looks happy that she is there and starts buying her Crown and Cokes, and asks me to make up a martini for him. (Evil laugh) this is where I get to have some input into the night...
I mix up three shots of vodka into a French Martini, place it in front of him, and tell him to go at it. I now know my place in this situation. I shall get Frank really drunk, and she might get drunk too, and then she will get turned-off by Drunk-Frank and leave. I make up three more martinis for him (at his request) and he starts to slur vaguely. I don't know if she noticed, but I always notice when people get to that point. You know, the altering of the voice, the elongated syllables, the falling off the chair, the passing out upright against a meat slicing machine with a sandwich in your hand.... Only three people know that story, and I'll give you two guesses who it involves. That's another story though, and it was St. Patty's two years ago. Frank is a complete dork when it comes to women, running a bar, and managing money. When you have to pay your beer reps in rolls of quarters, something is not kosher.

He needs those quarters for the hookers on Holloway St. I know he gets fed up with the "action" at the Pub and gets toasted, grabs the Saran wrap, and hits the ghetto for some love.

Resurrected

I have been thinking about reviving my blogger account, due to several friends saying they had one and wanted to avoid creating a MySpace account. So, I guess I might write on here occasionally. This week has been interesting to say the least. I called into work tonight in order to plan a lesson which I have to teach my class tomorrow, and I find myself online fucking around as per usual. Sometimes I wonder why I deliberately create challenges for myself, which amount to putting things off, cramming for events which I could have gotten help with, and stressing all the small things. I really think I work better under pressure, and I sometimes think I function much more efficiently when I do things to sabotage my plans in some small ways.
Example: I know i have to make money this week because I owe my old car insurance company a couple hundred dollars (which they are totally ripping me off of, those commie bastards) and I know I need to get up early to tutor the middle schoolers we have been assigned to work with. However, I got my shift covered, only to be fucking around online, and might cancel my sessions tomorrow so I can work on my lesson some more...only putting off the amount of hours I need to tutor. FACT: I ALWAYS get my shit done, and almost always it is an A in the class or on the project. I still manage to wait til the last minute for everything, knowing I can easily do it all earlier, but feel like I am more on top of things when I am in a rush and forcing myself into action. Why am I this way? Who the hell knows. Maybe it is a lack of Serotonin that makes me deliberately get my rush from waiting til the last minute to do anything. I was always too bored with everything but the abstract or ambiguous, the unattainable or the hard-to-reach.
It is just so much more interesting when you have to play catch-up...more of a challenge.
Enough self-depreciating bullshit, because the world needs people like me, and yet it needs people that are extra-driven, non-analytic, and focused too. There is something and someplace for everyone I guess.

Been Hibernatin'

So this blog has been in hibernation for a month, due to excessive MySpace whoredom...but that will get old and used-up too at some point...
Life has gone down a big huge slippery slope lately, and I can only hope that we can salvage our marriage, and the neighbors don't think we are crazy. Something about yelling in the driveway at 3am does not impress. I can be a complete immature ass when I am backed into a corner, as is evidenced by all the crap I say I am not gonna do, I eventually end up doing.
Marriage is a lot of work, and it is really hard if you are a bit self-focused, independent, impulsive, and spontaneous to a fault. Especially if you marry a centered, conservative, forthright, ultra-stable, logical person. Even harder still if one person or both people don't want to change how they are.
Relationships can be the greatest source of support and caring, or they can rip you apart and make you cynical. I am somewhere in the middle, wanting to be happy again, wishing for the first days where it was all exciting and fresh. Too bad relationships can't be like the first month...all the time.
I began the summer thinking it would be full of good times and fun....but maybe after all this is better, theres some fun to be had. I will always be the girl looking for fun in everything. Sue me.

Feelin' It

Tonight I had kind of a revelation.... and here it is. Might sound naive or immature, but believe me, we are all completely capable of deluding ourselves into thinking things revolve around us, even in a local setting. I know I am just one of the masses, and no more significant than the Easter lillies growing in my flower bed outside. However, I came to the understanding today that there is something out there for me, that my passion and love of music, art, and people will be important, even if it is just to myself.
Damn, it is amazing how some groovy kickass dance and new wave will lift your spirits and make you feel empowered like you haven't been in years.
Music is in my blood, and in my soul...I only long for that to be shared one day...why is life so mysterious with its' intentions?
I would love to be able to answer that before I turn 90...

4am and restless

As simply as I would like life to be right now, there are a few things that are just fucking complicating. I am deciding where I want to teach art next year, and a few really good options are becoming apparent to me. Several are located in the western part of the state, in Boone at Appalachain, and at Lees-Macrae, and in Cherokee....as well as other places in the mountains. The dean of the art school recommended that I look at the mountains because of the heavy concentration on the arts there, in NC. This excites me because I love the mountains, and have wanted to go there for a long time; living there would be awesome!
This is what makes me happy....to plan where I will make my life next.

Complications...but more than just that, a great friend always.
I am stuck on some feelings that I have that I can't control...and they rest behind the surface of my mind, manifesting in a smile and a faster heartbeat most nights at work, around 11.
What to do but enjoy a wonderful friendship, and I am fine with that. But in the depths of the night, I want something more, and know it is not okay to go for it. Either because of my current situation at "home", or because the friend doesn't want that at all. I respect the hell out of him and whatever is there, is cool with me. I am a grown woman, who loves whatever is good in her life, but damn if I can't stop wanting more than can I can have.
A connection that makes me like myself more, and feel utterly comfy with whatever is happening or nothing at all, this is fairly priceless. I truly like this person just the way he is... and care deeply.

This "semi-charmed life" is like my ninth grade science class taught me...
There is so much more potential energy than kinetic energy right now.
At rest and paused, but unmoving and restless...
Cheers to being happy, whatever that means.

Simplicity rocks, my HBC doesn't

Simplicity.
A rare commodity these days, though I think there is always a way to simplify situations. Without delving straight into denial, that is.
The situation at home is this:
I choose leaving, or continuing to live in this house.
I seperate now or put it off.
Period.

Moving on, today was a fucking productive kind of day...the kind where I do absolutely nothing that comes back to bite me in the ass, and nobody got offended. OK, sometimes its much more fun of a day if I get to offend some people, but at least no furniture was broken in my house, yo.
I dropped my math class after attending exactly one time. I figured you don't make a rush decision about these things. I will be taking it during the second summer session, with a teacher who is not a complete Nazi Bitch, or a ADHD spaz. Hopefully NCCU employs such a person in the Math department. Please God.
This school just blows my mind for the simple fact that unless a student has a natural fairly high intelligence, and enough variety in their life experience, they will not emerge from NCCU a smarter student than when they enrolled.
So where does all this tuition money go, you might ask?
In some university fat cat alumni's pocket, probably. From experience at ECU, behind the scenes at alumni functions (because the band got to play at that shit and drink for free), all the alumni do if they are still in tune with their alma mater is donate a shitload of cash to tailgating and gay alumni parties. In essence, much of this tuition money is going towards some old farts living it up and still hiring unqualified teachers for their historically-black-college. HBC's used to use money for minority scholarships, and I benifited from this for a year...but now they "ran out of money for those things", and so, alas we pay for alumni cocktail parties instead.

At least in the end I get that piece of paper, and I know that that honor cord I will wear will be earned regardless.
I would say I should teach at this school one day, but I don't think I could deal with knowing I have colleagues that make what I do to pick their nose and ass all day and not teach.
Bitchy, maybe, but I have been here for almost 3 years...
I sit back and observe more than anyone realizes.......







Word.

Philosophizifimacation

Cheers to good friends who make me happy today, yo...I have 5 weddings to go to this summer, and though I am happy for others who tie the knot and are still happy with that later...I kind of fucked my own situation up, and I am a bit envious. I guess things will work out in the long run, and I know that if me and my husband are truly the friends I know we are, then we will still be friends later, even though I know I will have to split. I want more from mariage than what this is, and I have felt more for things outside my marriage than what is going on IN my marriage. That is not a positive sign for my partnership anyway...

Going to the pool today to chill and work on my skin cancer and freckles some more, then Oh Yay Hap Happy Day, I have a wedding to go to....yippee. I don't even know the girl well, and last time I saw her, I was at her shower, which I left early because I couldn't hold my shit together enough and started crying in the kitchen because everyone was asking how my marriage was and I could NOT tell them I was miserable. Good stuff right there, sometimes you have to laugh at how retarded life is.

Even though it brings beautiful experiences too...