The frayed end...

I am writing because it is the only therapy for me in this moment. School work, house work, alcohol, other people, shopping, etc. are NOT what I need right now.
I have let myself get into a situation that has proceeded to confuse all the issues in my life that have been occupying my thoughts.
Now, not only am I preoccupied about my marital problems nearly constantly, I feel that I am not doing the "right" thing in terms of getting a clear head to deal with that. Spending time with a person who I am growing to care about more and more, who I love to spend time with. I don't want to give that up at all.
The double-life is killing me.
NEVER has what the so-called "right" thing to do, been on the opposing side to what I WANT to do.
I feel scatterbrained, afraid, and lost.
I don't feel like I have the support from the people I care about most in my life (though that might be my own insecurity there), nor do I feel like I am able to get shit done for school. I am in the top 5% of my class, and I am dropping the ball, because I don't want to be married anymore, to a person who is such good husband material.....for someone.
I feel like a selfish jerk because I am just living life, doing what makes me happy, while he is trying to do anything to make our marriage work. It's not fair to him, what I am doing, and I am suffering too.
I think the next few days will be some of the most painful I've ever experienced, but we'll see...
and it hurts to feel so alone with it...