Feelin' It

Tonight I had kind of a revelation.... and here it is. Might sound naive or immature, but believe me, we are all completely capable of deluding ourselves into thinking things revolve around us, even in a local setting. I know I am just one of the masses, and no more significant than the Easter lillies growing in my flower bed outside. However, I came to the understanding today that there is something out there for me, that my passion and love of music, art, and people will be important, even if it is just to myself.
Damn, it is amazing how some groovy kickass dance and new wave will lift your spirits and make you feel empowered like you haven't been in years.
Music is in my blood, and in my soul...I only long for that to be shared one day...why is life so mysterious with its' intentions?
I would love to be able to answer that before I turn 90...

4am and restless

As simply as I would like life to be right now, there are a few things that are just fucking complicating. I am deciding where I want to teach art next year, and a few really good options are becoming apparent to me. Several are located in the western part of the state, in Boone at Appalachain, and at Lees-Macrae, and in Cherokee....as well as other places in the mountains. The dean of the art school recommended that I look at the mountains because of the heavy concentration on the arts there, in NC. This excites me because I love the mountains, and have wanted to go there for a long time; living there would be awesome!
This is what makes me happy....to plan where I will make my life next.

Complications...but more than just that, a great friend always.
I am stuck on some feelings that I have that I can't control...and they rest behind the surface of my mind, manifesting in a smile and a faster heartbeat most nights at work, around 11.
What to do but enjoy a wonderful friendship, and I am fine with that. But in the depths of the night, I want something more, and know it is not okay to go for it. Either because of my current situation at "home", or because the friend doesn't want that at all. I respect the hell out of him and whatever is there, is cool with me. I am a grown woman, who loves whatever is good in her life, but damn if I can't stop wanting more than can I can have.
A connection that makes me like myself more, and feel utterly comfy with whatever is happening or nothing at all, this is fairly priceless. I truly like this person just the way he is... and care deeply.

This "semi-charmed life" is like my ninth grade science class taught me...
There is so much more potential energy than kinetic energy right now.
At rest and paused, but unmoving and restless...
Cheers to being happy, whatever that means.

Simplicity rocks, my HBC doesn't

Simplicity.
A rare commodity these days, though I think there is always a way to simplify situations. Without delving straight into denial, that is.
The situation at home is this:
I choose leaving, or continuing to live in this house.
I seperate now or put it off.
Period.

Moving on, today was a fucking productive kind of day...the kind where I do absolutely nothing that comes back to bite me in the ass, and nobody got offended. OK, sometimes its much more fun of a day if I get to offend some people, but at least no furniture was broken in my house, yo.
I dropped my math class after attending exactly one time. I figured you don't make a rush decision about these things. I will be taking it during the second summer session, with a teacher who is not a complete Nazi Bitch, or a ADHD spaz. Hopefully NCCU employs such a person in the Math department. Please God.
This school just blows my mind for the simple fact that unless a student has a natural fairly high intelligence, and enough variety in their life experience, they will not emerge from NCCU a smarter student than when they enrolled.
So where does all this tuition money go, you might ask?
In some university fat cat alumni's pocket, probably. From experience at ECU, behind the scenes at alumni functions (because the band got to play at that shit and drink for free), all the alumni do if they are still in tune with their alma mater is donate a shitload of cash to tailgating and gay alumni parties. In essence, much of this tuition money is going towards some old farts living it up and still hiring unqualified teachers for their historically-black-college. HBC's used to use money for minority scholarships, and I benifited from this for a year...but now they "ran out of money for those things", and so, alas we pay for alumni cocktail parties instead.

At least in the end I get that piece of paper, and I know that that honor cord I will wear will be earned regardless.
I would say I should teach at this school one day, but I don't think I could deal with knowing I have colleagues that make what I do to pick their nose and ass all day and not teach.
Bitchy, maybe, but I have been here for almost 3 years...
I sit back and observe more than anyone realizes.......







Word.

Philosophizifimacation

Cheers to good friends who make me happy today, yo...I have 5 weddings to go to this summer, and though I am happy for others who tie the knot and are still happy with that later...I kind of fucked my own situation up, and I am a bit envious. I guess things will work out in the long run, and I know that if me and my husband are truly the friends I know we are, then we will still be friends later, even though I know I will have to split. I want more from mariage than what this is, and I have felt more for things outside my marriage than what is going on IN my marriage. That is not a positive sign for my partnership anyway...

Going to the pool today to chill and work on my skin cancer and freckles some more, then Oh Yay Hap Happy Day, I have a wedding to go to....yippee. I don't even know the girl well, and last time I saw her, I was at her shower, which I left early because I couldn't hold my shit together enough and started crying in the kitchen because everyone was asking how my marriage was and I could NOT tell them I was miserable. Good stuff right there, sometimes you have to laugh at how retarded life is.

Even though it brings beautiful experiences too...

summer school

I wish my summer school at NCCU was like the movie; full of quirky yet lovable deviants who each contribute comic relief and personality to the scene.
Nope.
Summer school at Central (and I had actually forgotten this) is absolutely the most boring, monotonous, personality-free part of the college scene. All freshman-failing students, who are making up for the spring semester's F, and really old women who are just continuing their education. Hey, I admire them returning to school, but it doesn't make the class time any more stimulating and thrilling to the rest of us.
My English teacher is two-thirds of my age, and is about 4'9 in her platforms. I will lay off her for the simple fact that the freshman hoochie-bitches will probably make it hell enough for her.

Five weeks and then I will have finally accomplished the task of fulfilling all the math that is required of my ass in college. Hooray for that consolation...it is just so boring to do Algebra in the heat of summer on a deserted campus.

And somehow there is still no parking.

Reflection

I am sitting here, listening to the drum of rain on the roof, candles lit, thinking about the things that inspire me. My friends are the light in my life....those that I care about give me a purpose that otherwise would be blurred and out of focus. The "love" I feel from those around me at work..it is beautiful and shallow, yet still makes me feel happy in that moment. But it is not enough...

I know that the grass is greener on the other side, but to those who envy the attention given to attractiveness...it is pleasant and makes you smile...but it doesn't give you purpose or vision, nor does it give you a sense of accomplishment. People tell me that they love me, that they think I am beautiful....and what did I do to accomplish this task? I was born. I do what I can....but underneath it all, I long for the satisfaction that comes with working hard for a cause that I believe in.
I am a cool person, and a good friend. I like a lot about myself...but many don't ever get to know, or understand this person.

Where others come in....I believe in people, not in everyone, or even in many...but those I care about I truly believe in and love.
I guess what It boils down to, is that creating a purpose within my art and my "family" of friends and others....this is what inspires passion...and sharing that with someone, or some others is where its at.

I am still figuring out who I am...

And nice....the power just went out...

Good song to reflect to... "For Me This is Heaven" -Jimmy Eat World

I am the job

God, not only could I not sleep hardly at all, but the scattered dreams that I had were about work. Pouring beers, making drinks, and dealing with drunks. Can't escape it even in my sleep....boo.
Allergy attacks woke me every ten minutes from 8am until 10, when I scraped my ass out of bed and threw down on the couch...sneezing, coughing, runny face...I am a hot mama right now.
I am a cranky asshole today....maybe I will get to take it out on someone tonight at work...it's the little things that give me pleasure.
Considering going to King's Dominion on Tuesday, looking for a good time this next week, before summer school takes my free time away for a few weeks.

Also, considering renting a studio space to paint. Can't get shit done at home, and I miss being inspired...I need an outlet right now, and the options and opportunities for outlets of frustration are limited right now.

Going hiking tomorrow with an old friend and that should be good, getting lost in the woods for an afternoon has been ultra fun...

AND...

I finally got all my grades back for the spring semester....two A's and a B....and my Arts & Humanities class actually warranted an INC...which means I can go back and replace the grade....Yay, Christy gets a get out of "F" card.
So my GPA dropped from a 3.9 to a 3.7, temporarily....guess I can deal with that.

Harassment

Well, today and every morning seem to bring about a new form of bothersome shit at home. I feel like I am being harassed no matter what I am doing nowadays. I thought things were at the "friend" stage with my husband now, and I have been chillin, seeing what the next step is, considering I am not happy and have been deciding the next course of action. Basically either to act now, or later. Things aren't getting any easier though, because not only am I all of a sudden the intense object of desire....and I have never been that to him, it is all I can do to escape scrutiny and grabby arms. Yikes!
I wish I could turn back the clock and put off the marriage, which would have resulted in terminally putting it off. It does no good to wish for these things, yet it is more complex a situation now, and I am hating it. How am I supposed to work hard to keep the peace, when I don't want to work hard at it in general anymore...
It is not about laziness and non-committal thinking, it is about what is worth investing it, and what is not.

The happiest times nowadays are indeed momentary ones, but thank God for those, and things will improve.
They have to.

La Playa Llamame

Tomorrow me and my girlfriend are drivin to the beach. I can't wait, it is about time I got out of this freaking town. No school for a week, and I work from Wednesday thru Sunday...five days in a row at my dive, because I picked up Saturday night. Good money though, blah blah blah.

Incidentally, Blue October, a rocking band, not only has a great new-ish disc out this year...but has four other really good records out from previous years.
A really good song everyone should listen to, "You Make Me Smile" off the "Foiled" album...I can't get enough of that song...

I am beginning to think that I depend on others too much for my happiness. However, people that mean something in your life, make it that much more meaningful. There is no shame in that, I truly believe...as long as you take care of yourself first, which I have been doing...Tired of sacrificing.
I just give a damn too much.
About lots of things.

Rain on my heart

The monotony of today's rain and the lack of good T-storm drama seems to leach into my bones and make me sleepy and lazy as hell. Besides meeting my friend for lunch, I have done absolutely nothing of value today but sit on my ass.
And it was everything that I thought it would be.
I think my ass is growing roots in my couch cushion.

Feeling kind of out there today, watching Mind of Mencia to lighten the load.
Love some equal-opportunity hatorade to wash down my dry mood today.

Been having kinky dreams again....at least my sleep-life is getting it on good...
Yeah baby, my subconscious is definately pulling its weight in that department

A very Office Space kind of afternoon...

PC Lodeletter...What the Fuck does that mean?!!?

The beach called but my ringer was off...

Right now I should be at the beach. The sun should be burning the hair off my left forearm as I careen down I-40 on my way to Wrightsville Beach as we speak. But no, my best friend copped out again. I love her, but she is in even more of a funk than me, and I wanted to get her out of it and having some fun...
There should be more impulsive people in the world... at least I wish my friends were more impulsive. I just want to get out of town today...who knows what the day will bring!

It's a lovely day, I don't have to work in the shit hole that is my job (It is definately on its way to being shut down) and I am free from the person I live with...for the day and even for the night if I want to be. Good stuff.

I found this interesting note left at the Pub last night....found notes are cool, and it reminded me of that commercial where this dude collects and posts the most interesting "found notes" he has acquired wherever and whenever.
This one was written in pencil on a little yellow post-it, lying on the bar when I got to work:

Inuyasha

I hope that I have convinced
you to not cancel the show I love.
Remember, swords, blood and
violence. I'm 14 so I can
watch it. The End.

In a fucking bar...haha.
I would send it in, but why should anyone get credit for another's musings and thoughts?
I would ponder what a 14 yr old was doing in the pub, but for all I know it was a grown man trippin on something and on a whole other plane of existence.

I always knew Inuyasha was the devil...

Do I get course credit for this?

Well. It seems that my semester in school has finally come to a close, or as my Arts & Humanities prof would say, "It's time for us to close it all out and get out of my face cuz I can't answer your questions anymore..."

It is freeing to know that I have almost 2 weeks to play with, and there will be a lot of beach and road trips in the mix.

Today, I found out, holy God, that I got an A in both my English class and my Modern Art class. For someone who admittedly is capable of getting an A in anything (except maybe Calc.) that aint half bad for skipping like 2 weeks of the semester. That can never happen again though, because I am not dropping the ball on the behalf of anybody but me. Yep I'm suckin it up, I know I screwed up.

As for not drinking, it kind of sucks because I got real used to it, and I love to do it. It is only for 2 weeks, but I need to get clear about a lot of things, and I have been a dick the last few times I've been drunk anyway. Now I can't blow off crazy shit I do on alcohol, damn! I just chopped the bottom of my food pyramid off-- joke, kinda.

It looks like I might finally have to start looking for a job, for real this time. My boss has not picked up his ass and sent the necessary paperwork in to the Alcoholic Bev Comission, like he was so nicely asked to in the big fucking violation he got last week, for not doing this since JANUARY 2005. How hard is it to do? Shit he could pay someone to do it cheap....wait, that might cut into the "pay for tits and ass" fund. That would be the death of his social life.

Everyone I know, and I mean like 95% of the people I know are having problems right now... three of my guy friends are going to be unplanned daddies, 3 of my girlfriends are in the midst of break ups, I am not doing great, and my job is in a cockroach infested, vomit-smelling, option-deficient dive. The friends I have made there keep me there. Oh yeah, and the money.
If only it could buy happiness....but we all know better.

Finals, no mas

So today was wack because it started with a doctor appt where I find out some things that I guess I needed to...nothing crazy, but interesting.
I walk the five mile route to clear my head, and to work off some anxiety, which has reared its ugly head a lot lately...boo
The, I go in for an eye appointment, where the GQ wanna-be "optometrist" flirts with me shamelessly and then thrown a $365 bill in my general direction. "Oh, sorry, your insurance doesn't cover this, but we went ahead with the appointment anyway so we could charge your dumb hippy ass"
Fine, fine...i will get some trendy specs for my 20/40 vision and I might even wear them occasionally. To look scholarly of course, gotta mack every now and then.
Finally got all my paintings turned in for a final critique in my Painting III class...and got some good reviews, though as I haven't been able to concentrate at the casa lately, I hadn't done quite enough....got a B....boooo I could have so gotten an A. Considering moving more seriously...

Not a bad day, productivity-wise...tomorrow considering being outside all day...after I go pay a speeding ticket.
Screw the po-po.

Omigod..no karma today!

Wow. Today started so wrong... karma is going to stomp me...
I awoke at 7:15 in the am, still so drunk from last night, that I barely can fathom how I wrote a five paragraph essay and took a three page final exam, all from 8:15 to 9:30 this morning.
I shouldn't even comment on the fact that I will get an A, though haha no comment....
I freely admit to self-medicating in a bottle lately, though most of it has been a lot of fun...Guess it doesnt make me less of a drunk dumbass to have enjoyed most of it- Can't be Tucker Max Drunk all the time...

It hasn't helped me deal with things making me unhappy lately, it has just helped me put it off more, and that's no good!
I am taking 2 weeks off alcohol starting today, Tuesday, May 2....I think it is definately necessary, and I am tired of waking up feeling like shit anyways...life is better than that, and I am going to start being happy again!!

Tonight I have a huge project due and another final at 6pm....hopefully I won't reek of alcohol by then.
I am rescheduling my dentist appt to another day...there is no way I want the entire dentist's office to smell my alcoholism this morning, either.
Here's to new starts, and being happy in life...

As an aside, I spent 3 hours at the Pub yesterday, for NO reason at all...I got stood up by my girlfriend, and just stayed there. I think that place is addictive in a few ways...
The job is such a plethora of good ignorance and wasted intelligence. The place is such a crock sometimes, but so chock full of material that I would be morally remiss if I didn't use these experiences to a creative end. From those aged, leaking walls, I have gained not only the vocabulary of a sailor, I have nurtured a drinking habit and a tolerance for the absurd.
Gets things in perspective a bit, too...

Life is better than it could be!

what a whore

Yes, boys and girls, I think I am going to sell out and become a part of the Myspace whoreland. I have given it enough thought, to where I think that I might as well just do it, considering my friends are all doing it and hell, peer pressure is a bitch.
Actually, I've been thinking it might be a good way to market my art, as I can post my paintings and ideas right on the site.... What did we do without the Internet?
Only a select few of us can answer....LOL us old farts...

Damn, but I have a final at 8am tomorrow....booooo that, though it will probably be done by 9. Freshman English Comp. is not too intellectually stimulating...

I can't wait until my cross-country driving trip in late July, early August!!!!

It will be the greatest, and I need a vacation about now...

Music playing: Portishead-- Dummy