Its a good hair day

hey, it's something.
Incidentally, no one in this godforsaken city can drive.
That's all for now, no drama for once.
So why does that make me edgy?

Edgy soundtrack for the afternoon: Hawthorne Heights---The Silence in Black and White

Cheers!

Music = soul candy

Tonight work was quieter than Paris Hilton on Jeopardy...yet I didn't really mind because I got to play my music for 6 straight hours....that in and of itsself is worth showing up for.
Bought $70 in CD's with my trusty Best Buy credit card, which was dusty from lack of use anyways....wish I could count it as a work write-off, seeing as we have no music system, but hey....can't win em all.
Better Than Ezra's new CD, "Before the Robots" is one of my purchases...and it totally rocks ass!
Got the whole bar into my shit tonight, I think I really need to pick up my guitar again, because music is an aphrodisiac that makes me feel like I can get through anything....even the shit at home, which I admit to putting off as I try to finish my semester and deal with all the baggage...
May tonight bring sweet dreams to all whom I care about and myself...
and may my theme music be "A Lifetime" on BTE's new disc...

Boredom...

I am sitting at home, all by my lonesome, wishing that were not the case...
I am in the mood to reflect on what I want to do with my life...let's say start a list:

1. I want to travel to Japan, Australia, Hawaii, Alaska, Brazil, London, and many other places...
2. I want to get my masters in Art Education, with a concentration in Painting and Drawing
3. I want to create a series of paintings that will one day show in a gallery (I never share the details with anyone)
4. To one day be a good mom and have a few kids...but I am so not ready for that (when is anyone ready, and why am I so scared of that?!)
5. To learn guitar really well and be able to play the music that has been swimming around inside my head for years
6. To meet that special person that can put up with my craziness and fear of commitment (which will hopefully mend itself over time as I gain more confidence in who I am)
7. To first be able to get through this period in my life, where I feel like I will be torn apart by the shreds that are my marriage...and survive intact and not broken by regrets
8. To find many purposes throughout my years on this earth and be meaningful to other people...

Guess that is my humble list for now...
I just want to be happy without being the bad guy.

I miss my tiger...

An Away Day...

Today is a day where I will just be away from what makes me feel bad. I'm not talking escapism or detachment, but a more nurturing kind of therapy. I am taking all my school work to some chill place, and will do a whole lot of work that will make me feel relieved and better about the school thing... I definately got some "beefs" with my Arts and Humanities final tomorrow at 3pm...boooo

If the opportunity doesn't happen to enjoy the company of another, I will instead enjoy my own company...

I had really wierd dreams last night. Not your garden variety, surrealist, Freud-analysis type dreams, but ones that really should be thrown into some romance novel somewhere. I has some off-the-top romantic dreams and they were NOT about the man at home...

(sigh) They fucked with my head this morning, but they were oh-so-nice...
If my previous blogs were read, we all know who those dreams were about.....damn.

Off to a day, that I guess I will just be happy to be healthy and alive...
*smile*

Life as an Artist-in-Sheep's-Clothing

What to do. I have been the recipient of so much advice the last few weeks that I don't think ANYONE knows anything about me. If they did, they wouldn't be telling me to stay with Rob and cheat on him, and they wouldn't be telling me that the reasons I married him are enough to hold on to, nor would they be telling me that I will be single for the rest of my life when I end this.

People just don't pay attention because they are busy putting themselves in your shoes, but with THEIR experience.
Guess that is only natural.

I think I have aired my dirty laundry in my place of work enough...I am going to stop talking about my life there.
It is natural for me to share the goings on with people, just because I value other poins of view. I think if you refuse to ever be influenced by others, or care about their opinions, you leave yourself lonely and isolated. I am a closet loner, however, masked in sociality, because I love people, yet really feel understood by few.
My purpose in life includes creation of some sort, and the teaching of creation to others. Artsy-Fartsy crapola.
I wish I knew what kind of relationship-type thing the future held for me...
I don't want to be single forever, and right now I don't want to be married....I feel like if I go through with splitting now, I will be lonely forever, because people seem to come and go in your life, no matter how much you care about each other, and how great the times can be....yet, I know that it isnt going to last because there are innate flaws that are glaringly obvious right now.

Wish I could ease the anxiety through my painting, but it seems my brush stays dry and my cheeks often don't...

Shame

It is 8:30 in the am and I am fucking awake for the day...
I have class from 11:30 to 1pm, then I work until 8....after that, I may not go home.
I am absolutely mortified that last night at midnight, I was scurrying down a darkened street behind the bar that I was in, hiding like a prostitute.
What brought my situation to this state, where I am hiding from my husband, who used to not care WHAT I did, and now takes my words to him and tosses them to the curb.
I can NOT believe he came out looking for me, though I admit he really worried about me...
Gonna lay off drinking for a while...
Insert clear head here.

Muy Productivo

Today, I am concentrating on what will get me through this period in my life, intact and not hating my reflection.
I accomplished the following:

1. went to therapy, where I made a full confession about what is going on in my life, and how I will make the change

2. went to English Comp I, where my PG paper (plaigiarized goodness) won the title of 92, or A-minus.
Absolutely no comment on that one, lest I get struck by lightning...

3. Attempted to install XM Radio in my car, halfway succeeded...

4. Thought about making a last ditch attempt to show up to my Arts & Humanities class on the final day...

5. After skipping Arts & Humanities, drove to Wally World to grocery shop...

6. Dinner with a girlfriend who used to annoy me with how she never talked about anything too deep, yet now her company is what the dr. ordered....she is actually a cool cat.

7. Who knows...what am I, on a schedule?!

Tomorrow is the last day of classes for the semester, and then it is my last day shift at the Pub for a while...
Summer will bring good things, hopefully...not more chaos.

Characters

Tonight was one of the more enlightening nights at my Pub. For some reason I approached my job and thinking about my life with more clarity than has been the case lately.
I had many a drunk bastard walk through the busted doors of The Down Under Pub tonight, "smooth" lines on the tips of their tongues, wanting a hook-up of some kind, or to walk all over Christy, who I have been told, has been voted "best bartender in Durham" by a few loyal fans.
I don't delude myself that I would ever win such a title: there are too many factors that play into why people vote for certain folks anyways. If my tits arent big enough, then there goes 40% of the vote...
Still, it felt nice to know that I am considered the psychotherapist of the Pub, as well as being hit on occasionally.
Its sad when you get your ego trip from work...though lately I don't know where I feel best about myself.
I think that there is no reason why I shouldn't write a novel or a series of short stories about my experiences at the Pub...there is so much material there, it has definately been an experience that has shaped my view of people and life, in certain ways...yet it has made me feel more secure in who I am.
I love my "brothers" who are so fucked up so much of the time...yet they are the most loyal, open, and friendly people you'll ever meet.
Cheers to The Down Under Pub...may it not be shut down due to "roof failure", liquor funneling, or crack-smoking in the bathroom... If it must die, let it be a natural death...

Movin' On

Today is the day that sets things in motion, a day that shows me what I need to do to prioritize things, and to do the best thing (though hurtful) for everyone involved. This time next week, I will hopefully have a new place to live, or at least be in the process. To many, I am running away.
I know what I am doing, though often I wonder how it got to this point. Time's-a-wasting, as far as moving on to a better life.
I take myself far too seriously, and I know that sometimes, overcomplicating situations/issues will only keep the answers from being apparent to me.
I refuse to stay in this fragile state, and I have to regain the person in me who is full of life and loving herself.
In the end, you have to be able to sleep at night.
And in the end, I have to know the people I care about can do the same.

Moving on, tonight I am going to the hockey playoffs in Raleigh. The tailgating we had planned fell through, partially because of the nasty weather, but also because Fubar is still passed out at 4pm today, from last night.
No one is having an easy time right now...

Tonight, hopefully I can enjoy a bit of good company from my "brothers" and not get too drunkish.
Ahh, who am I kidding.

The frayed end...

I am writing because it is the only therapy for me in this moment. School work, house work, alcohol, other people, shopping, etc. are NOT what I need right now.
I have let myself get into a situation that has proceeded to confuse all the issues in my life that have been occupying my thoughts.
Now, not only am I preoccupied about my marital problems nearly constantly, I feel that I am not doing the "right" thing in terms of getting a clear head to deal with that. Spending time with a person who I am growing to care about more and more, who I love to spend time with. I don't want to give that up at all.
The double-life is killing me.
NEVER has what the so-called "right" thing to do, been on the opposing side to what I WANT to do.
I feel scatterbrained, afraid, and lost.
I don't feel like I have the support from the people I care about most in my life (though that might be my own insecurity there), nor do I feel like I am able to get shit done for school. I am in the top 5% of my class, and I am dropping the ball, because I don't want to be married anymore, to a person who is such good husband material.....for someone.
I feel like a selfish jerk because I am just living life, doing what makes me happy, while he is trying to do anything to make our marriage work. It's not fair to him, what I am doing, and I am suffering too.
I think the next few days will be some of the most painful I've ever experienced, but we'll see...
and it hurts to feel so alone with it...

Portrait of a Blog...

Today brings a few good experiences to the table. My Modern Art teacher, who is so prestigious in her field that "well-known" professors overseas respect her opinions and experience, has actually complimented me. OK, to preface this, she NEVER expresses interest in any of her students in any emotional way, she does the job, but does not show personal interest ever. She is like the untouchable Pope, high on a pedestal, whose opinion everyone values, yet no one really knows her heart.
This brick house of a chick and I have a meeting today at 2pm to discuss my final project, which is to write a manifesto about my philosophy of art and my personal work...how I want to make a change in the art world, etc. Its a great idea, but the very nature of the project begs the class to bullshit like a champ.
So, I have intensely researched this Belgian artist from the early 1920's through the 1960's- Rene Magritte. You may have unknowingly viewed his work in various settings....he did the paintings involving a pipe, with the caption "Ceci n'est pas un pipe". He did a bunch of other stuff too, though it was not even remotely accepted as art until he wrote extensively about his philosophies on other artists' work and finally put forth enough paintings to catch the eye of a deviant art critic who got him into galleries. He found comraderie in a group of other deviant-from-the-norm artists of the time...Man Ray, Max Ernst, Marcel Duchamp, etc.

So my brick house teacher sat with me today and I showed her my ideas about how Magritte seemed to approach his paintings with the notion of a mathematical equation...and she about creamed her drawers over that idea!
That is nastiness at its finest, but damn true. I honestly know I can analyze art and many other things with an intelligent and intuitive eye, but she loved the idea of applying a mathematical equation to creating a Surrealist painting. Kick-ass, I just scored some brownie points with the unapproachable big-dog in the art dept. Her enthusiasm made me feel like I hae a lot to offer the art world....even on a local level...and that gives me purpose beyond the bullshit that is NOT good in life right now.
This blog, for the 2 or 3 people that read it, is not that interesting or funny, but it is what it is...
Smooches to ya...

My Middle Name is Asshole

If my middle name weren't Jeanette, I swear to God it would be Asshole. When it comes to the people that I "should" be the most supportive of right now, I only feel like picking them apart. As my best friend-slash-husband is trying to do all the affectionate, sweet, attentive things he NEVER did....I am like, "who is this person, and why is he doing this?"
It feels false, though I am sure it is sincere in that he is afraid I am going to just run off one day soon. I just want to get through this semester...first things first...but DAMN! It is like being around an octopus....always trying to touch me, and why should I resist my husband?
Because......I AM AN ASSHOLE.
Sadly, I am glad that I have the next few days alone at the house...you know its bad when you kind of miss the days living alone when you walked around naked all afternoon and no one cared, unless they were over there naked with you...and you were not married to them.
I miss my "friend" Rob, because as unsatisfied as I was with only that at one time, I could deal with the friend....its this constant desire for affection that I can't freaking fathom how to get around.
I don't feel it, and it makes me feel so guilty.
Fuck me.

On the upside, I managed to get a nine page paper, chock full of plagiarized goodness, ready for my octogenarian teacher's trembling hands yesterday morning...though I freely admit is is barely worth a B minus or a C, I think it will do better than that. Cocky bastard that I am...
On to a new day, may I make loads of dollars off of the drunk dumbasses who will frequent my Pub this afternoon from 1 to 8, and may I spend half of it in Chapel Hill tonight...my favorite charity is the bar charity...

Top 13 Albums, as of whatever day it is...

in no particular order, because that takes too many brain cells...

"Clarity" -Jimmy Eat World
"The Head on the Door" -The Cure
"Galore" -The Cure
"A Farewell to Kings" -Rush
"The Best of Depeche Mode 1986-1999" -Depeche Mode
"Jagged Little Pill" -Alanis Morrisette
"The best of Steve Miller 1974-1978" -The Steve Miller Band
"The Rising Tide" -Sunny Day Real Estate
"Third Eye Blind" - Third Eye Blind
"(the best of) New Order" - New Order
"Swiss Army Romance" -Dashboard Confessional
"Drops of Jupiter" -Train
"Under the Milky Way: The Best of the Church" -The Church (Aussie band from the new wave 80's invasion)

Just felt like cataloguing the music that makes my life go round, so much of the time...

To 5 songs, as of 4.whatever.06: (in no order of course)

1. "Xanadu" -Rush
2. "For Me This is Heaven" -Jimmy Eat World
3. "Regret" -New Order
4. "Its No Good" -Depeche Mode
5. "The Red Summer Sun" -Third Eye Blind

...of course these will change by tomorrow....
what else is new?

I am a transient soul...always looking for a mate, never allowing anyone to BE one

Brown-Baggin It

I am in Kinko's right now, watching a "street-dwelling person" drink the days wages from a paper bag outside the BP. It causes me to philosophize about things, namely, how we get to where we are in life. He probably didn't see himself partying next to a gas station, when he was dreamin' up a future in 3rd grade. Maybe his mama didn't hug him enough, hey, at least he didnt end up robbing said store.
People say there is no use dwelling in the past, and I definately agree to a point. However, if you don't learn from the mistakes in your past, you are wasting yours and everyone else's time in your life. You might not think their opinion matters, but if no one ever supported your thoughts, ideas, or actions in any way, you'd be a miserable, closed-minded ass. Or, you might be super-successful and determined to be super-successful until you are never satisfied and die a miserable death, still looking for someone to hold you close and tell the child in you that everythings gonna be ok and that they love you no matter what.
All ranting aside (because I was lucky with what I was dealt as a kid) People should appreciate the others in their life more, because that shit is what really makes you feel alive when everything falls apart.
I realized that no matter what I do, my closest friends and family will love me, and that though I am making a big ass change right now in my life, as long as I keep close and connected to these people, I will get through the bullshit.
I can't wait until the slate gets cleaner....feeling like kicking some ass today, but in a good way...
A piece of gum could probably inspire me right now. yay.

Way to Go Down

This isn't about how to give the best oral, it is the path I feel myself falling towards...not even kicking and screaming, but quietly and shamefully. Every morning I am woken up by my husband, EARLY, who proceeds to inform me of how he still doesn't trust me. There is "something" in his gut that has a hard time getting past my dishonesty to him about being in contact with another person in my life...
Our problems existed WAY before another person entered my life, and therefore he is not the focus here, or rather I don't think he should be. Rob's complete lack of trust in me (whether he admits it or not) makes me feel like I am under the most intense scrutiny. What is crazy, is that he has NEVER even been this remotely interested in anything I was doing...and I got really used to doing whatever the hell I wanted, WHENever the hell I wanted to do it, with no side effects or problems with him.
I may not be perfectly up front ALL the time, but try 99% of the time, and his behavior makes me want to just move out right now, to avoid all the discomfort of being at home. I HATE this situation, and it is so tempting to take the easy way out, ie to get mad at not being trusted, and bolt right now. However, I do not think that is the right way to deal with this....and it leaves room for assumptions and misunderstandings...and there are enough of those...
He is so hurt, it breaks my heart...
I am hurt too, for everything that I thought my life was going to be with him, when we were happy. I don't look foreward to the day when everyone close to me will judge and hate me, for what I think in the end, is the right thing for all...
It is only a matter of time, I guess.

I got "Beefs" with Arts & Humanities I

So I have this teacher at North Carolina Central University who not only has ADHD and no one bothered to tell her, she has absolutely no knowledge of anything other than how to change the subject when she can't answer a question from a student. She posesses the unique and "special" talent of mis-using big words, and switching topics up to five times, MID-SENTENCE.
She actually explained to us that any past wars in Europe were the result of the Europeans having "beefs" with the Nubians from Upper Africa, because they were black. Sure thing biotch.
I am honored to give an example of her special skills as an orator-slash-cracked-out "professor" in the Communications dept. at this fine school. Today, in class she must have realized that she hadn't covered like 60% of the semester's material, and so she rushed to explain, (and my grammar is true to her speech) "All these development of human beings, whether biology, astrology, ancient Rome and all that; it's all art."
Later, she told us how "We're gonna look at China which is Korea, but China, Korea, whatever peoples, it's the same thing."
No fucking way. I had stopped quoting her retarded-ass speech in the margins of my notes for the last few weeks, because it got so regular, by God I was starting to follow her....right down the rabbit hole into pure schizophrenia.
Now I have a reason to continue going to class: She is more intertaining than any gibberish spewed thus far this semester...next step, voice recorder.
I can not fathom how she has a professorship at a fucking university. The class deserves her paycheck for the therapy needed to unravel the permanent confusion that is inevitable, if one chooses to show up for her class.
What a dirty whore.

The Cliff Edge

I feel my life is at a precipice...something truly life-altering is about to happen. I don't know how it is going to go down, but it is heading for a massive change. I sometimes wish I had like 50 points less in my IQ so I wouldnt be this self-aware, but then I would rather be too analytical of things in life than be blissfully dumb as my dog. I don't run into the wall or eat my own poo poo.

What will happen, and how will it play out? I don't know, but this summer will be one of the best I've ever had, and damn if I am going to give up the opp to enjoy my time with someone who makes me feel more alive than I have in so long...
Back to giving romantic counseling to one of my "brothers"...they always come to me for love advice, but look who they are asking...
But I know what maters to me...

History's Ways

The night cannot see all that is me
My way responds to
All things that are free
Recovering my sight
Hope under rage
For the drive to contrive
The ultimate stage
My neck thunders strong
Seems out of place
With the comfortable beat
Of the human race
Searched until safe
From the turning of days
Cannot escape the image of history's ways
Decide to embrace what is here and now
The performance of time is all but a vow
An audience gaze
For the promised plays
Of magic's performance
On history's ways

Alcoholics Unanimous

I have had a lot of shit go on in the last few months and by God I am getting drunk. Yay for self-medication and escapism. Hooray Bacardi!
Honestly, my life is turned upside down right now, and I am not sure where I will be even 3 months from now. Funny how that doesn't bother me. I love the uncertainty of the future; I guess I am not cut out to be a partner. Being married is not what I expected, nor is it what I think I really want right now. My husband is a good man, and he is really a wonderful person.
Why do I yearn for something more? I want understanding and a soul mate who loves what I love, and yet he is the epitome of what should be true and good in a partner. The clashing of the two sides is killing me.
I had a dream last night where I was literally sown to the ground with rope, kind of like a sail is tied to a jib or something. I was trapped, bound to the earth by something that I could not escape. My dreams are a bounty of euphemisms lately.
Fuck it, I am tired of being disappointed in life, it is time to go for the great things... and a certain person knows what I am talking about...

clandestine dreams

Wow. Another night of chaotic dreams and trying to stay on the edge of my bed. Booooo that, it is like trying to stay awake while you're sleeping when you can't sleep very well.
I had the tornado dream again. I always have this dream when things in my life feel somewhat chaotic, or I am at a major impasse or time of difficult decision.
I was driving down some busy, traffic-infested road in Raleigh or someplace. Rob was driving and talking a mile a minute and I was sitting there, getting perturbed and frustrated, because I just wanted him to shut up and listen to me for once. I noticed that there were three vague-shaped funnel clouds in the sky, slowly twisting and beginning to churn into a more volitile storm. I kept asking him to stop driving and let us hide somewhere and he wouldnt do it, so I jumped out the passenger side and ran across this big parking lot to hide under some big thing, which I can't remember. The storm hits, and mass destruction ensues, yet I make it through intact and whole, and Rob is nowhere to be found. I get up and find some friends of mine that made it through, down the road a bit, and am strangely unaffected by Rob's absence or the storm itsself. Gee, ladies and germs, care to relate that to real life for me? A two year old could do it.

The last three days have been pretty fucking cool. I have enjoyed more of the company that I once felt guilty for basking in, yet I have since come to terms with a few really important things in my life. I have not been happy. I will do something about it. Period. The future is becoming a bright, shiny highway where once it seemed like the lower level of a parking deck. Thanks to myself for figuring some things out early on. And I think a certain person for halping me to see some of the most important things that I was missing, for whatever that means tomorrow...

My Face into the Sun

A lot has happened in the last three days, and not all of it was a surprise. Saturday I went to Kings Dominion with some good friends of mine, me being the only sheila. (and kinda loving it) There is something about being the only female in a pack of males that like you(in a friendly way) that just makes you feel distinctive and feminine. I don't usually go out of my way to get attention, but if it is there for the taking I will make a sacrifice.
So. My good friend picks me up at eight in the butt crack and we drive and drive. The rest of the group drives seperately to meet us there, and my other two potential passengers who dropped out at the last minute, are not even missed. The ride was smooth, once we crossed into VA and the roads were actually paved, and we just talked and enjoyed the music and started the day out in an awesome way...

more later, need to go be outside...